Why you hatin’ on my minivan, man?

Is it every high school girl’s dream to get picked up for a date by a 2004 Honda Odyssey minivan? Probably not. I’m pretty sure that is not the car those senior boys were driving in Taylor Swift’s hit song, “Fifteen,” that made her feel like flying.  Now, let me ask you this question though: Does that minivan get the driver from point  A to point B? You bet your bottom dollar it does, in fine speed matter-of-factly if you have Robert Bergin skills behind the wheel. So, all of the minivan haters out there who have hurled insults at my baby over the past few weeks can eat my dust and get a good look at my automated-opening doors as I pass them by. Minivan discrimination is a real thing and it is not something to be joked about. Minivans do matter. I think most tend to forget that, so let me help you out. Those automated-opening doors I mentioned earlier, were game-changers back in 2004. And the copious amount of seating space opens up many possibilities: Carpool the whole soccer team to the Saturday morning game or pick up your 21-year-old brother and ALL of his drunk friends at 2 a.m. like an all-star designated driver. Minivans prevent on average 16 drunk driving deaths each year. That stat was completely made up, but you get the picture. Above all else though, my car has something immeasurable compared to material things: Character. My mother raised a family with this car. Back in ‘06, I let a caramel apple rot in the backseat for three weeks before my mom found it. In ‘07, a first-grader threw up all over the fine, interior rug. Then, as time grew on, my mother passed down the keys to her eldest son, who passed it down to his younger brother, who then passed it down to me. Since the keys first switched hands, the car’s life expectancy has been cut in half. My brother drove the “man” van into a bike rack. I drove it into a pole. Nobody knows who caused the dent in the back. And who could forget the time the brakes stopped working as I drove full speed into a crowded intersection. In that one instant, turning left on red was legal. So the car has been through a lot. Just like an old, raggedy pair of hand-me-down mom jeans. And just so you know, my mom jeans could care less about what the world or a 15-year-old Taylor Swift thinks.

Junior Skip Day

I don’t want to be rude, but I’m going to be honest and blunt: “Junior Skip Day” is in the top 10 stupidest ideas I’ve ever heard in my life. Yup, it’s somewhere there in the list just in front of “Underclassmen Prom.” Yeah, remember that thing? But in all seriousness, I would be embarrassed for myself, my class, and my school if people actually went through with this proposed idea that came about on the Class of 2017 Cleveland Facebook page. You know what we sound like, kids who beg their parents to let them open up one or two presents on Christmas Eve. And we can all agree nobody likes those kids. Can’t we all just wait? Senior Skip Day is for seniors because it’s their final year and they’ve earned it. We as juniors just can’t start doing senior traditions because we feel like it. Where would the madness end!? Next thing you know sophomores feel left out, so they plan a skip day. Then freshmen follow along next year. Then all of a sudden we all start having weekly, “Friday Skip Days,” because we don’t like school that much and hey, why not? Before you know it, Prom will be a dance for all grade levels. And if that happens there is a 99 percent chance the dance will be shut down within the first 30 minutes. It’s all a big game of cause and effect my friends. No, no, no and no! No to all of that. Have a little integrity. I feel like I’m prophesying the high school apocalypse. Junior class, let’s not play the role of enabler or Patient Zero in this dystopia. For one, we would ruin how special it is next year, and two, we would be raining on the Class of 2016’s parade. Let them have their One Shining Moment. Here’s another bit of food for thought: a 2013 report showed that more high school seniors dropped out in the 2009-2010 school year than their counterparts in any other grade. And that stat is not made up. We’re not out of the woods yet, juniors. Don’t spike the ball before you score the touchdown. That is just embarrassing.

I’ll Take a Shot at the Bullseye

This might be a little overdue, but I’m finally going to give Bullseye Glass a piece of my mind.You know Bullseye Glass, right? Your friendly neighborhood threat to humanity. Well if you are unfamiliar with their work, let me fill you in: It was discovered a couple months ago that Bullseye had been releasing absurd amounts of harmful heavy metal chemical toxins into the area while making their products. I mean where were you getting your directions from Bullseye? “Dangerous Chemistry For Dummies?” You’re supposed to be professionals?! You needed some Staab chemistry wisdom up in there and this whole issue could’ve been avoided. This mishap is so detrimental because these dangerous toxins have been known to cause Cancer. When I was five years old, I could never pour milk into a bowl of cereal without getting it all over the kitchen table. This personal scenario reminds me a lot of the Bullseye Glass situation, you know, except for the fact that instead of milk spilling over a kitchen table Bullseye is spilling Cancer-causing toxins over the Southeast region of Portland. Oh, and in my scenario my loving and watchful mother came to the rescue to clean the mess up, while Bullseye’s mother, the Department of Environmental Quality, decided not to check in on the situation. I mean come on man! A lot of people are mad at Bullseye, as you can see, I am too, but I really just have one question for them. And that question is Really? Stained glass? That is what was worth risking our lives and education for? We would forgive you a little easier if you were making a product people actually wanted. Take McDonald’s and Chipotle for example: They’re killing their customers, but people really love McChickens and burritos, so we forgive them. Supersize Me did NOTHING. So Bullseye, I’m going to give you some tips I’ve picked up in my 17 years of life, it seems like you could use some help. One, you have to be at a certain level of good, before you can get to a certain level of unethical. You are not there yet, and as long as your main selling point is stained glass, you never will make it. And secondly, start making burritos or burgers. The next time you have a public, company crisis, people won’t care as much.