Conspiracy Cafe: Santa Claus
December 22, 2016 • 92 views
Filed under Grover's Corner
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The holiday season is among us, and with it comes the biggest conspiracy theory of all: Santa Claus. We’ve all known Santa Claus both to be real and to be made up, so what is the truth? Eva and Libby (that’s us) hit the streets to find out the ultimate scoop from Santa Claus experts.
We interviewed Theo (aged 7) and Owen (aged 5), both who have received many presents from Santa, and who swear they’ve talked to him personally. “I give Santa cookies with momma, and he gives me presents but not momma,” said Owen, certified Santa expert. So why does Santa give presents to kids but not to parents? Are we told to not believe in Santa because gift-giving to people of all ages proves too tough for Mr. Claus? These are questions that everyone needs answered.
We asked one of our experts why his parents don’t get presents, and his response was shocking. “Because my momma is old,” said Owen. “My papa is too.” Is Santa ageist? More and more evidence is pointing towards Claus being against adults. Perhaps we are being told that Santa isn’t real to further promote Santa’s ageist agenda.
To get more clarity on this issue we talked to Theo, who at age 7 has more experience with Santa Claus than his younger counterpart. “Santa just couldn’t fit all the parents’ gifts on his sleigh. That would be ridiculous. It would get too heavy and not be able to fly,” said Theo. So, according to our expert advisers, Santa isn’t ageist, he is just practical.
The biggest issue with believing in Santa Claus is trying to figure out how he is able to find where everyone lives, how he is able to get there and how people are able to talk to him. Our certified Santa experts continue to answer our questions. “[Santa knows where you live] by a magical globe where he sees where everybody lives,” said Theo.
According to the Santa experts, Mr. Claus is in possession of a lot of magic. Santa Claus even uses magic to deliver presents. “He puts dust on reindeer to make them fly,” said Owen. Before you question our Santa expert’s credibility, we have proof that they know what they are talking about. “You can talk to him on the cell phone,” said Theo, “I have before.”
So, it is up to you to believe whether or not Santa is real. Just know that our experts say he most definitely is.