Love Column: Summertime Love
March 21, 2017 • 85 views
Filed under Grover's Corner
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Dear Love Column,
I met a guy last summer while working my first job in Colorado. Our love was special and it blossomed vibrantly, but when the summer ended, we agreed never to speak again. He is from Massachusetts and I am from Portland; it would never work out. Summer is coming up again, and I’m still thinking about my guy. There are chances that I might see him again at work again. I’m excited and terrified. I don’t know what to do. I thought what we had was special… But was it really just a summer fling?
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
The solution is obvious: You must go to Massachusetts and profess your love immediately. You are soulmates, after all. You can’t let him get away!
First, buy plane tickets for LITERALLY TODAY and RIGHT NOW. You have already waited too long since summer to declare your love; you must ascertain that he has not moved along to another girlfriend. If he has, you could always pee in her shampoo. That tends to elicit an unfriendly odor, which will deter him from continuing to date her.
Once you’ve landed in your destination, stop a random stranger and beg to use their phone. This way, you can call him exactly 42 times from an unknown number; he won’t think you’re stalking him at all. Make sure to leave long, sentimental voicemails, telling him that you are coming to find him and that he will be with you soon. He will fall deeply and desperately in love with you. It will be perfect.
Once you reach his house, grab a few fist-sized rocks. You will need these to reenact your classic movie scene. Find his window and throw your boulders with all of your might. When he hears the crash of the shattered glass, he will know that it’s you.
At this point, you should start climbing the trellis on the side of his house. Make sure to lovingly call his name, proclaiming your love for all to hear. The neighbors will watch your performance in awe. They will long to one day find a love for themselves that burns as bright as yours does.
Once you reach his bedroom, you have two options based on his reaction: If the love is reciprocated, take the plunge and propose. If he denies you, handcuff his hand to yours and nag him until he concedes. Through this gesture, he will understand the depth of your love and will agree to take your hand (literally).
Pat yourself on the back–you’ve secured your marriage. According to my calculations, you two will stay together forever and have 14 children, all of which you will name Robert. And to think: it all started with a fling!
If you need advice beyond the limitations that this column allows, watch literally any romantic comedy ever. You will find your destiny.
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
Summer lovin had me a blast, summer lovin happened so fast…
Your summer experience sounds a lot like Danny Zuko and Sandy’s, just without the musical numbers (and we have yet to see a happily ever after). So far, your story is one of two young adults who met in the summer, had a magical connection, and were crumpled down by life.
I’m sorry to be the Cruella De Vil and burst your hopeful heart, but the truth of the matter is harsh: it was just a summer romance. He lives in Massachusetts and you reside in Portland. Even though you might meet him again during this summer, there is no guarantee that the connection survived the year. Even if it were to have worked out, it would surely only remain a summer fling. Don’t fool yourself; it won’t progress into a real relationship. Have you thought about college? About the expenses of flying from Massachusetts to Portland or vice versa? Long distance relationships always end up in the gutter.
A year has passed and the reality that neither of you exchanged numbers nor contact information can be a deal breaker. If you had exchanged contact information and kept in touch, then my advice would be different because at least there would still be a connection. It would represent that both of you still might care for one another. A lot can change in a year. Maybe he isn’t the same guy you fell in love with. I hate to point it out, but what if he got in a serious relationship? What if he isn’t feeling the romance vibe anymore?
Don’t let this “possible romance” delusion run through your head. If you cross paths with him this summer, the air will be filled with awkwardness. Don’t be a hypocrite and ignore him. Be the bigger person and initiate a conversation. If he hesitates to say hello or acts differently from the person you met last summer, sprint for the hills. If, and only if, he seems excited and genuinely wants to talk to you, a relationship could be in the making. Don’t let your expectations get too high, because he might just be friendly. As of right now, don’t stress about the future. Let destiny do its job and don’t let this “possible romance” distract you from future relationships. Put yourself out there and live your life. Summer is almost here, and you WILL know your answer, but until then, enjoy life, go out with your friends, get a cute summer wardrobe, and most important, have fun. Remember, YOLO.
Wishing you the best,