Conor’s Complaints: Raindrops keep falling on my head
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Fun fact you might not know: Portland has more strip clubs per capita than any other city in the United States. This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise though, because as of late, the Rose City has been making it rain. Hard. Like a coked-out celebrity on a Saturday night, hard. After the rainiest February in the city’s recorded history, March has brought much of the same gloomy forecast, killing everybody’s vibe and slowly beating down on our happiness, like a relationship that’s run its course. Do you mind, Portland? It is the second semester of my senior year. This continuous onslaught of rain is not the dream I had envisioned for this exciting time. I envisioned myself in a utopia of green grass and warm, sunny skies, where my friends and I, cold beverages in hand (Shirley Temples), danced the night away while “Dancing in the Moonlight” by King Harvest magically played off in the distance. How am I supposed to find this utopia if it keeps raining teardrops harder than a senior who got dumped at the prom? Please, I’m begging you. Stop the rain. Stop the pain. Now, I’m not saying a little rain is bad. One of my favorite parts about this city is since it rains so much, Portlanders know how to cherish the beautiful days we do get. It’s like everybody loses their minds on that first day of sunshine. But this wait for some longevity of sunshine is getting a bit ridiculous. Somewhere off in the distance, “Dancing in the Moonlight” is playing and a drunk frat boy is obnoxiously yelling “Cancun 2017 BABY!” Yet I can’t hear any of it. The rain is drowning that sweet piano hook out.
During my four years at Cleveland, I have accrued a wealth of knowledge on how to live in the high school system. Luckily for all of you, I will give out some of these pointers for free right now. So listen up, freshmen.
When turning in a homework assignment, always make the date on the header three days before the date you actually did the work. This way, if your teacher pays attention to the date, they’ll think you’re a go-getter! Also they will be less-inclined to think you did last minute work. Several times the dates on my homework assignments have indicated I did work on a Friday. How diligent, right? I’ve never worked a Friday in my life. Trust me, the date switch is a classic move.
I used to say, “winners don’t use hall passes.” They’re oppressive, lame, and they’re unhygienic–people take them into bathrooms. Also, when people take them into bathrooms, it is so inconvenient to try and find a place to put them. Just an all-around hassle, O.K.? I don’t like them. In fact, I refused to use them my entire high school career. However, now I guess you could also say, “arsonists don’t use hall passes.” So forget everything I just said and use hall passes for the time being.
Parking is difficult. Especially due to a high schoolers’ driving inexperience. Do not deal with your parking woes and further your inexperience by only looking for a parking spot that takes the least amount of skill. Be prepared to walk any distance.
I’d like to go away from my foul demeanor just for a moment and shine the spotlight on arguably my column’s biggest fan, Ann Molony Desmond. However to me is she is known as Mema (yeah I call my grandma “Mema” get over it; I’ll call her that deep into adulthood). I would just like to thank her for all the support she gives me and the incredibly embarrassing, yet loving and always-complimentary reviews she posts in my articles’ comment section. If you’re a reader and you don’t know what I’m referring to, just scroll down; I’m sure there will be one here soon. So Mema, I look forward to the next time you’re in Portland when we can discuss movies, memories, and life. Your wit and humor is forever sharp and for that you are my favorite literary critic. Hope you are doing well and love you lots.
Sincerely, your youngest grandson.
P.S. Please keep the comments coming, I always look forward to them.