Dear Love Column,
I’m hosting my annual holiday shindig and ALL my friends are invited. However, I’ve got my eye on one of them in particular… A possible soulmate. How can I get them under the mistletoe, if you know what I mean? 😉 HELP ME PLEASE!!
Pick your head up from the dirt and believe in yourself my friend. You’ve got to be confident. Be Radiant Ron, Rising Ron, Robust Ron, Resilient Ron, Responsible Ron. Be Ronald. Find your inner gusto and let it shine.
Ok, once your little shindig rolls around, start the night off with a toast. Just about everybody loves a good, honest salute. If they don’t, it’s time for them to go. Now, as you are wrapping up your speech, thank everyone for being there but as you do, find your intended lover and look deeply into their eyes. Speak to them, from your heart to theirs.
As you make your rounds throughout the night, Ron, make sure to catch their glance. It’s time to make your first move. As you are the host, you know what drink they’ve been indulging in all night long. Notice when it’s time to refresh their glass, and do so immediately. As you begin to walk towards them, drink in hand, bow down to their majesty. Lure them in with your kind words and compliments. Cue the music. Always remember Ron, there ain’t no shindig without a little dancin’. This is your time to shine, with those legs of yours, any move is possible.
As you groove with your sweets, shake, rattle, and roll towards that little mangled branch of greenery hanging from your off-white ceiling. Pucker up my friend, you did it.
PS: If this night goes so well that you are in need of a ring for your new fiancé, savory Chex mix pretzel o’s are your best option for a low budget diamond. Salty and sweet, a perfect combo. You can do this Ron, I believe in you.
All my best,
It’s time to turn on the charm, my friend. You’ve got to wow them, intrigue them, draw them in. Make sure you’re dressed your best for this big night! I’m thinking something along the lines of Ron Weasley meets Nick Jonas.
You’ll want to prepare for this night beforehand by leaving snowflakes with original poems written on them, ordering candy cane grams to be delivered to them, and decorating their locker. All these should be labeled from your secret admirer.
Now that you’ve got them dying to know who you are, you’re ready for your shindig.
There is one plan that will never fail: food. So get into the kitchen and start baking! Save it for them alone and they’ll think that’s the sweetest thing. You’ll have them hooked! If someone else asks for any you have to say no. This time you’re not the perfect host for all. You want your future lover to know they’re special.
Now that you’ve got them hooked, it’s time to pull out your best dance moves. Make sure it’s to the Christmas classic, “All I want for Christmas is You.” Remember Ron, you want to wow them, so start practicing! While everyone’s watching you, make sure your eyes are constantly on them. When you’re sure they’ve been lured in, take their hand and bring them into the dance with you. Use eye contact to communicate your feelings. Let everything out that way, leaving nothing left unsaid. They’re sure to understand.
Once the song is over you’ll want to start walking with them over towards your strategically placed mistletoe. Don’t forget to flash them your pearly whites! Make sure to brush your teeth before the shindig begins. The last thing you want is to scare them off with bad breath or spinach in-between your teeth. For the best results, don’t eat anything once you’ve brushed. Starving for a few hours will be worth it when they’re yours.
While walking, ask them how they liked their gifts. Yes, it’s time to reveal you’re the secret admirer! They’ll be so surprised and happy! Make sure you time it right so you’re confession ends with you already under the mistletoe.
Ron, now you’re all set to say, “Oh look, I guess we have to kiss” and make your move. Add a wink for good measure. Best be sure to drink lots of water beforehand, you don’t want to have chapped lips!
Best of luck my friend. You’re raunchy Ron! Embrace who you are! You’ve got this! For an even better chance, make a wish at 11:11 every day until the shindig and make sure to tell Santa who you want for Christmas.