Dear Love Column,

Recently I discovered my girlfriend of 10 months was not allowed to watch Spongebob growing up. She has hardly even seen the show and Spongebob is arguably the best children’s show of our generation. This lack of Spongebob’s influence in her life explains every difference, subtle and obvious, in our personalities and sense of humour. Why she is who she is is now clear to me. It all makes sense. How can I try to fix this crucial gap in our compatability? Please, this is urgent.

-Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen

Dear Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen,

Never in my long life of 17 years, have a heard of a case more depressing. No Spongebob? Ever? That is about the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life. I say the way to fix this disaster is by fully submerging her into the Spongebob culture. I am talking a 24/7 marathon of all of the Spongebob episodes ever made. Then, move onto music. Carry around your phone and a speaker wherever you go, and play all the Spongebob songs you can; whether you are at school, at home, in church, just blast it! Some classics I recommend are “Krusty Krab Pizza,” “Striped Sweater,” and “Campfire Song.” Next, move to crafts. Grab your needlepoint and stitch that classic yellow square into anything you can get your hands on. Her backpack, pillows, her favorite white converse; this will keep Spongebob in her mind at all times, making up for all that lost time during childhood. Good luck, I hope your girlfriend is finally able to regain the happiness that she missed out on in childhood.

-Quinn

Dear Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen,

This sounds tragic. It appears like you’ve hit the dreaded “oh” moment in your relationship, where you discover a fact about your partner that makes you question whether it’s really worth it to begin with. I urge you, however, to put this small, square, fun-loving, spongy problem behind you and continue on with care. There is, as my esteemed partner stated, only one way to go about this.  Mayonnaise may not be an instrument, but neither is anger. Don’t treat your gal pal angrily for not watching the holy grail of children’s shows; instead, I would recommend slowly introducing it with a daily regimen of Hallmark episodes, such as, “The Hash-Slinging Slasher,” “The Magic Conch,” and “Three Things I learned in Boating School.” In time, and with a lot of work on your part, you will discover that even the hardest of landlubbers will gain their sea legs, and delve into the watery world of Spongebob Squarepants!

Goodluck!

Jared