Dear Love Column,

My boyfriend of 14 months dumped me! I don’t know what to do and am stressed about seeing him. How do I get over him?

-Sincerely,

Stressed about Seeing Him.

Dear Stressed about Seeing Him,

You will go through three phases of getting over the breakup. The first is sadness. This is where ice cream comes in. It is proved to cure any breakup, no matter how big. Who needs Netflix and Chill, you can have a Netflix and Binge, both on shows and ice cream? The second stage is anger; we all know holding in hatred can do no good. I suggest going all “Carrie Underwood” on him, by recreating the music video of “Before He Cheats.” Literally dig your keys into the side of his pretty little suped up four wheel drive, carve your name into his leather seats, take a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and slash a hole in all four tires. Remember to burn all of his stuff; destroy presents he ever gave you and any item that reminds you of him. Start an immense bonfire in your backyard, or better yet, his front yard. The more he sees that you are over him, the better you will feel. The final stage of getting over someone is happiness. You will find yourself relieved to have him out of your life; you must take advantage of all the bliss you will experience. Skip school with your friends and go to the mall. Or, if you are feeling in the mood, move to Mexico! It’s a great new adventure to start off your single life. You may even find a new latin lover. With my advice, you will be able to coast through the three stages of a breakup, and get over your ex.

-Sincerely

Quinn Gonzales

Dear Stressed about Seeing Him,

Breakups are tough.  You know what’s tougher? Ducktape. First developed in the 1930s, it has since taken off and is used for a variety of reasons, most of them both very irresponsible and very redneck. What I recommend is something simple. Though technically outlawed in 49 states and all territories, it’s more of something that’s simply frowned upon, so I wouldn’t worry too much about intervention. Here’s what you do.  

Trees are abundant in Portland. Pretty to look at, versatile as a plant, and stylish for your front yard, it comes as no surprise that we see them often as we walk through Portland. Another useful function of the tree is its thin, tall, yet strong structure, and the ability to withstand hundreds of pounds of pressure with a relatively thin trunk. So, you have duct tape, and you have trees. The third ingredient to the equation is your ex.  

Your ex can break mirrors, and can be found all throughout tool-land and terriblehumanbeingsville! Categorized among the things you never want to see again, you usually try avoid him at all costs.

While he’s sleeping, prop him up against a tree, and apply a liberal amount of duct tape all around the added circumference of the tree and your ex. As you use more duct tape, you will begin to notice that your ex no longer needs support to cling to the tree. The duct tape works an adhesive, making it so that, whether he likes it or not, he and the tree are now one. Taking advantage of this new bond between your ex and the immovable tree, you can play fun games like, “How many Lil Wayne songs can I blast before both he and the tree wilt and die?” or “Water the tree for hour.” Or my personal favorite, “Associated Oregon Loggers Inc.”

Good luck with your soon to be duct-taped troubles!

-Sincerely

Jared Watson