Dear Love Column,

I’m currently facing quite the conundrum. For the past few months I’ve been flirting with a guy, predominantly over Snapchat. He has my number but he hardly ever uses it! We’ve had to reschedule plans four times now and the most recent plan changing situation has pushed me over the edge. Last week we scheduled to have lunch on a Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday. Regardless to say he snapchatted me, SNAPCHATTED ME! at 11:30 and asked to change plans. I was furious. I am the best this kid is ever gonna get in high school and he has the audacity to cancel on me last minute. I’d love to get over this dry spell I’m facing, but I can’t seem to get over my own desperation for attention. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Angry Agatha

Dear Angry Agatha,

You have a right to be mad. A boy should never cancel plans so last minute! I don’t care if his mother is on her deathbed, you are the first priority. Luckily, I have a plan; since he cancelled on you, you need to cancel on him. But first things first, you need to become his girlfriend. Refer back to any of my other columns for advice on this matter, but it should be rather easy. Next, get engaged. Again, with my advice, this should be fairly straightforward. Finally, on your wedding day, as he is walking towards the altar, shoot him a snapchat, with the message, “Sorry, going to have to reschedule, big game is on.” This is the ultimate revenge, an eye for an eye.

Sincerely,

Quinn

Dear Angry Agatha,

It sounds like you are in a real pickle. The solution to these situations are never straightforward, but lucky for you, we here at love column make it simple and easy! First, make sure he can’t snapchat you, it’s too easy to flake out. I suggest either deleting his account or simply destroying his iPhone and replacing it with something so unadvanced that it can’t be understood, much less used, by humans in this day and age. Maybe try Android or Verizon phones? Now he can only call and text you, and it’s time for some payback. Go on a date with him. Halfway through, check your phone and exclaim how crazy the football game is. When he asked which one, pretend like nothing happened. He doesn’t have a phone he can check it on, and he will be driven towards insanity. But seriously, who cancels a date on snapchat?

Sincerely,

Jared