Dear Love Column,

Prom is coming up, but I don’t have a date. I have someone in mind, but I’m afraid she’ll say no. What can I do to get her to go with me?

Sincerely,

Panicked about Prom

Dear Panicked about Prom,

      I have three sure-fire promposals that will guarantee you a spot next to her in all those prom photos. Each plan is different, and tailored to different types of people. For instance, if you are flamboyant and quirky, I suggest using promposal number one, which I like to call the “large animal” method. Rent a cow, horse, donkey, camel, moose, or really any other large animal, paint “PROM?” on its side, and go riding into your crush’s first period class. The animal will represent your strength and courage, and remind her of how bold you are; she will not be able to resist you. In my opinion, giving someone a cow is a more romantic gesture than a proposal.

      Option number two is for the more dedicated and risk-taking person. First, you have to dye your hair a dark shade of brown or even black. If you already have that shade of hair, then skip the first step. Next, head to a hair salon, and have them shave the sides of your hair  short, maybe a quarter of an inch long. Next, and this is the fun part, have them shave “PROM?” into each side of your head. The next school day, wear a hat until you see your crush. Then, unveil yourself, and ask her the question. The good thing about this tactic is that if your crush says no (which I highly doubt she will), you can always use it on another person. Don’t let a shaved head become a shaved opportunity.

      The third method is for someone who is sensitive, but likes to make a big show. Have your crush meet you at hole #4 on the Eastmoreland Golf Course. But when she gets there, you will be gone, and a note will be on the ground. It will say “Look up.”  You will have rented a sky writer, and have had them write “(your crush’s name), PROM?” Up in the sky. Then, to top it all off, jump out of the plane, skydive to the ground, and pull out a single rose from your jacket. You will ask her the question, and without a doubt she will say yes.

Good luck!

Quinn Gonzales

Dear Panicked about Prom,

Dancing with one person the entire night is so boring and cliché. Leave that tradition to middle schoolers and “Dancing with the Stars.”  Instead, start taking Samba classes, and begin honing your skills before the dance.  When the night of prom comes around, you’ll be ready to dance the night away!  It’s a well-known fact that some Samba-licious salsaing around the dance floor makes for a night to remember.  Samba isn’t your cup of tea? Try the Can-Can. Bottom line, asking this girl you think you like will lead to a night of awkward foot-stepping and standing by the water cooler. Think back to middle school. Were the sideways glances, wondering if she’ll ask you to dance, fun? No–the highlight of my middle school dance was Conor Bergin’s dance moves. They weren’t anything I hadn’t seen before, he was just the only one who seemed to understand that a school dance should include actual dancing.  

On the other hand, if you think this girl is something special, go for it. Look at yourself, you’re an attractive dude; you’ve got this in the bag. I know you’ve got this. When she says yes, you still take Samba classes, this time to impress your gal pal. After a night of Sambaing, it can be nothing if not true love. Studies have been done with results pointing to the undeniable fact that relationships including at least one person who Sambas  last three times longer. So, Samba right into her heart and stay there my dude. Good luck, or good riddance!

Whichever floats your boat,

Jared Watson