Read three Clarion reporters predictions in the first issue of the Cleveland Clarion

Setting: Portland Timbers Jeld-Wen Field

Reason: None

A piercing screech rips through the air at Portland’s Jeld-Wen Field. In return, a fierce howl echoes off of the stadium’s rafters and bleachers. But these are not the noises typically made at a Portland Timbers game. These sounds signal a competition much more meaningful and intense. It signifies a battle between two great foes: a baboon and a wolf.

The baboon swings through the rafters, his strong upper body powering him forward. The wolf takes his position at the center of the field but feels somewhat  confused and out of place due to it being out of it’s natural pack setting. The baboon begins its bamboozling act. The baboon hoots and shrieks at the wolf while hanging in the air.

The wolf bounds towards the baboons position into the stadium bleachers. The stairs pose little obstacle for his long and precise strides. He looks up and growls at his primate enemy. The baboon grins and lunges. Forty feet down the baboon leaps. His tail streamlines behind his frame as he falls towards his enemy.

The wolf, taken by surprise, fails to sidestep the plummeting baboon of doom. As the wolf begins to move down the steps, the baboon crashes onto his back. One might think that the velocity at which the baboon fell would make it impossible for him to hold onto the back of the shaken wolf, but one would be mistaken. He lands perfectly on the back of his foe and sinks his teeth into the wolf’s back.

As the baboon begins to align himself atop the back of his enemy to deliver a finishing blow, the wolf shakes his body violently and surges down the bleacher steps to the field. Unable to release his jaw in time, the baboon is dragged along with the wolf unwillingly. The wolf rolls on the ground. The baboon is forced to release its grip. Before the baboon can creep back into the bleachers and rafters, the wolf lunges. The wolf tackles the baboon onto the rough turf and sinks its teeth into the baboon’s side. The baboon shrieks. Pinned and being half the wolf’s wait the baboon has no chance. The wolf moves his fangs to the baboon’s neck and finishes the fight. He bounds out of the stadium and into the night searching for a new competitor.

Winner: Wolf