Dear Love Column,

The other day in class, my friend was taking his sweatshirt off and I saw a little bit of his tummy and I was like … Oooooh boy. Now I am really into him, but we have been friends for a few years, and every time I flirt with him he just thinks I am playing mean. I am very thirsty and want to quench my thirst with a sip from his cool well. HELP!
-S.O.S.

Dear S.O.S.,

The first step to gaining your crush’s affection is to make him notice you. Yeah, you’re friends, but really show this boy that you’re an option. In most scenarios, you need to make it very obvious that you’re interested in him. Your subtle flirting is not blatant enough for him to pick up on your cues. The only way to go about this is to confess your love every time you see him. Although in the beginning he may think this is a spin on your “playing mean”, after he hears it 20 times everyday for a week, he may finally get it. Another way to show him your true feelings is to start instigating subliminal messaging in his life to encourage his attraction to you. Begin snapchatting him with flashes of messages lasting only one second long. Brainwashing him is a sure fire way to get him to like you. Since you have been friends for so long, there is definitely potential for a relationship. Don’t get your hopes up, but once he realizes your feelings (and he will after following the steps I mentioned) your thirst may finally be quenched.

Sincerely,

Carlin

Dear S.O.S.,

Sounds like S.O.S. could sound more like Stuck OutSide … in the friendzone (cold). It’s not a fun place to be, nor is it a place that’s easy to get out of. You have the advantage though, because you are someone with magical flirting powers that could conjure him into loving you. There are a couple steps, pay attention closely:

1. It is important to watch Harry Potter. This will give you mystical and sensual inspiration in order to steal your boy’s heart. Watch carefully the spells that Hermione casts; you can use any of them as personal mantras or prayers to constantly remind yourself that yes, you can do it. The ongoing love story between Ron and Hermione is also not only entertaining, but very educational. As they turn into lovers towards the end of the series, the friendship dynamic really begins to change, which could be you in the future! Show him you can slay what might be the equivalent to a dragon or dementor by punching his shoulder, or shoving him into a locker (make sure it leaves a dent for him to remember). Physical power, as well as mental power, are both extremely attractive qualities, so you should also show off your mental capacity by starting heated debates in class!
2. Take advantage of 11:11. It happens twice a day, and is guaranteed to work, though you MUST close your eyes and stop breathing. Spinning in circles while chanting your wish in your mind will definitely get you places and will look really fly.   
3. Try this practical joke: Go to the nearest grocery store and purchase a block of the sharpest cheddar cheese, in shape and taste. Bring the cheese to school. When you see him in the hallway, make sure you are roughly 10 feet (or more) away from him. Lob the cheese at him, preferably at the head, using good aim and your strong arm. When it hits him, yell to him, “You’re looking pretty sharp today!” He will appreciate your muscles, mind, and wit, and will have no choice but to fall for your soul.
4. Buy one shirt from Tillman Degens to present to your future lover. He will appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Lina