Today on Rank5, reporters Andrew Core and Harry Robertson thoroughly analyze the pros and cons of the worlds 5 great apes. This list is in fact conclusive and objective, so please do not write us emails about how you disagree. You are wrong. Let’s get into it!

5. Bonobo (Pan paniscus)

Bonobos are easily the worst great ape there is. They have big ugly feet, and are way too into sex. Personally, we can’t stand these stupid pervert apes.

4. Orangutan (Pongo abelii/ Pongo pygmaeus)

Next up is orangutans. Unlike the stupid Bonobos, Orangutans are awesome! They have colorful orange fur and a big old face that will make you grin. They seem very wise and humble. We would like to have an orangutan as an accountant, because it would make the process of paying taxes more fun and unpredictable. Orangutans would rank higher, but some of these next ones will blow you away!

3. Humans (Homo sapiens)

Humans! If you are reading this you are most likely a human too! Unless you are not, which would be absolutely insane! Humans have done some awesome things including: going to the moon, and Pitbull! How cool! Although, humans are responsible for some not very cool things like a long and painful history of corruption, discrimination, and war :(, so they’re only coming in at number three.

2. Gorilla ( Gorilla gorilla/ Gorilla beringei)

GOOORILLLLAAAAA! Gorillas are the buffest of all the great apes. They walk with confidence and purpose, letting you know who’s in charge. Gorillas will beat their chest at the sign of danger or to celebrate victory. How rad is that? As sick as gorillas may be, they are a bit of a one trick pony. While being super buff and awesome that is about all they’re good for. You cannot own one as a pet, though I’m sure with the right clothes and funny hat, you can make them look like a ripped friend and sneak one out of the zoo. If you do that we are not liable. That alone can still get them the number two spot on our list though.

1. Chimpanzees (Pan troglodytes)

Coming in at our number one spot is the chimpanzee, more commonly known as the chimp. Chimps are both incredibly intelligent yet horribly violent creatures. People who own chimps usually end up without a face. They are very similar to humans. Sometimes, people think their kid is a chimp, and they leave the chimp enclosure and make it all the way home only to find their child is actually in the chimp exhibit. Uh oh! That happened to me. They are obviously much more primitive than we are, which makes seeing them do human things absolutely hilarious! I mean, look at this picture. Need I say more? Chimps rock!

Honorable Mention: Octopus (Cephalopoda Octopoda)

We really like octopuses, however they are not apes so we cannot put them on the list. If there was a top 5 octopuses list, they would probably be on it.