Conor’s Complaints: Welcome to the Season 2 Reunion Show


Clarion photo Molly Bergin (his mother)

Conor during a simpler time, before the inconveniences of the world made him a cruel, cold man

By Conor Bergin, Editor-in-Chief

The school year is winding to a close and with only one Clarion issue left, that means it is time for a special edition of Conor’s Complaints: The much-anticipated, second annual, Conor’s Complaints Reunion Show! I am speaking to you from the teacher’s lounge as we give you a live look-in on a night full of dining and discussion with the Season Two cast of my running column, Conor’s Complaints! Every complaint and rare compliment was able to make it here for this special occasion. So everybody grab a slice of pizza, quench your thirst, and let’s get this night started!

CHS Student who Overuses Slang: Yo, bro, I am feelin’ this pizza right now. And the pepperoni, that’s that fire! It’s lit, boi!

Depressing English Books: “Lit?” No, no. I would describe the pizza we’re all eating as a metaphor for the eternal struggle of life. The pepperoni is earnest, wanting to make his own path, find himself, yet, he can’t escape the comfortable confines of the cheese that he has grown so dependent on.

Me: Dude, it is just pizza. Nobody thinks like that. Just stop, you’re being a buzzkill.

Ryan Gosling from “The Notebook”: No, he’s onto something. The pepperoni is hot and it leans on the cheese, just like my burning, codependent soul leans on the love of Rachel McAdams.

Me: Ry-Guy, just let it go! Ride a bike or something. Learn to cook. There is more to life!

Depressing English Books: Is there really, though?

Ryan Gosling: Can’t let it go. Just gotta keep writing more letters. Letter 366: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird. If you’re a pepperoni pizza, then by damn I’m a pepperoni pizza…”

Me: Please Ryan, not at the table. And speaking of not at the table, Addicted Smartphone User, try to socialize a little bit.

Addicted Smartphone User: But if I stop snapchatting, then how else am I supposed to show off to my friends how good of a time I am having with everybody?

Minivan Haters: Hey Conor! I didn’t notice your minivan in the parking lot. How’s the elementary school soccer team going to make it to their games this Saturday?

Me: Back off minivan haters! And for your information, my beloved minivan is in the shop right now and it’s not looking too good. I hope you’re happy.

Senior Quotes: If you’re reading this Minivan, we want you to know we love you, and in the words of Fergie, “We’re gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket.”

Backhanded Compliments: Except in this case, the metaphor is more meaningful and accurate because a child’s blanket is raggedy, beat up, and covered in stains, just like Conor’s minivan.

Me: I don’t even think that was an insult disguised as a compliment, that was just an insult.

Senior Quotes: It wasn’t the car accidents that killed the beast…it was the insults.

Me: No, I’m pretty sure it was the numerous car accidents

The Legend: Or maybe it was the dangerous toxins released into the air by Bullseye that did the job.

Bullseye Glass: It got figured out the toxins weren’t even dangerous! Give it a rest!

Principal Tammy O’Neill: We don’t want to hear it, Bullseye! And you two over there! We don’t want to hear that either.

Over PDA-Using CHS couple: Sorry, we thought this was the proper time. Hey, where’s Junior Skip Day, did he ever show up?

The Legend: No, of course not! He skipped, duh.

Me: I wish you didn’t show up, Legend. By the way, your compliment has since been retracted.

Unknown Beautiful Lady: We should’ve told Junior Skip Day that this event was actually prom. We would’ve had a line of desperate junior girls knocking down the door to come in. We could have even sold them fake guest passes.

Hall Dec Judges: That was a great idea, and you’re really beautiful, but I didn’t catch your name.

Unknown Beautiful Lady: Oh, I’m the Cleveland Clarion Website!

Me: See!? I told you the site was good! Still, nobody even knows about it! This wouldn’t be the first time you failed to recognize talent, Hall Dec Judges.

Hall Dec Judges: You’re still bitter, Conor?

Me: Give me my 20 bucks back!

Senior Quotes: You can’t win em’ all, Conor.

Football Haters: Speaking of not winning them all, the Cleveland football team is starting spring practice soon.

Spirit Squad: Hey back off!

Suburban Students Who Took an Unnecessary Amount of Pencils to SATs: Hey does anybody have a fork, or three?

Me: You would need a fork to eat pizza you pretentious, uppity, aristocratic swine.

Calling Shotgun: I think they want it for the asparagus on their plate. Also, I call dibs on seconds first!

Me: Why’d they bring asparagus!? They know, I hate asparagus! This isn’t going too well. I forgot you’re all terrible people, except you, Principal O’Neill. Let’s wrap it up.

Junioritis: Are you sure you want to wrap it up? We could talk for a little longer.

Spirit Squad: Dude, just go write the paper you’re avoiding.

Chris Kaman: (Opening door) Hey, is this where the event is?

Me: Kaman! I didn’t think you’d show up. A Blazer finally makes it out to CHS!

Kaman: Yeah, I would’ve made it here on time too, but I spent 45 minutes looking for an unlocked bathroom. Then, there was no soap so I had to drive to Safeway to get some.

Me: This night just proves how this school never ceases to amaze me. Have a nice night everybody. Don’t drive like Class of 2016 Worst Drivers Joey Henderson and Roxie Nicol on your way home.