In this issue’s installment of Conspiracy Cafe, we have decided to put our political analyst hats on and discuss what has been on all of our minds: Trump’s cabinet is made up of lizards. These lizards are trying to pass as humans, and they are thus better known as shape-shifting lizards. This theory required a lot of extensive research, and we hope you read this and gain knowledge of lizards, Trump’s cabinet, and how those two things are the same. Now, before you think that this is not a possibility because lizards cannot possibly be human size, we will inform you of the Komodo monitor, which is a lizard that can grow to be longer than a person. So…

The most obvious lizard is Betsy DeVos, Trumps choice for Secretary of the Department of Education. When asked about her opinion on guns in schools she said, “I think probably there, I would imagine there is probably a gun in a school to protect from potential grizzlies.” This is known as a very typical lizard response. In reference to her lizard-ness, DeVos seems to be scared of grizzly bears… . In our extensive research on lizards, we have learned that there is strong possibility that a bear could eat a lizard. Why would DeVos worry about bears if she wasn’t worried they would learn of her lizard status and eat her?

Additionally, many in Trump’s cabinet (the lizards) have been appointed to positions of departments in the past (but also present and future) that they have been very vocal about opposing. For example, his choice for Secretary of Energy is Rick Perry, who throughout his political career has spoken about his desire to eliminate the department of energy. Rick Perry ran for president a couple of times, none of which people remember or care about, and during one of his debates, he spoke on the department of energy, although he forgot its name, saying, “I will tell you, it is three agencies of government when I get there that are gone. Commerce, Education, and the–What’s the third one there? Let’s see… Oops.” Lizards, as we’ve been told by experts, do not have good memories. The puzzle pieces are coming together.

Trump appointed Scott Pruitt to be the head of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), which is an agency that Pruitt has very openly criticized. Since 2011, Pruitt has sued the EPA to roll back environmental regulations and other health protections. Also, he is in full support of the Dakota Access Pipeline. He also doesn’t believe global warming was caused by people (or is that just a front to make people believe he is a person and not a lizard?). Pruitt is from Oklahoma, where he was the attorney general. Oklahoma was the first state to choose an official reptile, which was the common collared lizard… . Maybe that’s what made Pruitt feel safe there.

Ben Carson was Trump’s pick for Housing and Urban Development secretary. During Carson’s campaign run, he criticized public assistance programs such as those the HUD department manages for creating dependency on government among low income minorities. Most lizards are not knowledgeable on what the HUD department actually does and how it works, a quality that they share with Carson.

Lastly, Trump’s attorney general pick, Jeff Sessions, is a known racist. Everyone, we assume, is very aware that all racists are lizards. When Sessions was nominated in 1986 to become a federal judge, he was rejected because of testimony from his former colleagues. In these testimonies, there was mention of the time he called the NAACP and the ACLU “un-American,” among other racially charged comments, including the time he joked about liking the Ku Klux Klan until he heard they used marijuana. It is important to note that not all lizards are racist, but if you are racist, you are, in fact, a lizard.

A conspiracy theorist, David Icke, has written a book entitled The Biggest Secret which is about his theory of the “Reptilian Elite.” He believes that the lizards are “blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids with only one objective in their cold-blooded little heads: to enslave the human race.” What do you see when you look at Trump’s cabinet?