Dear Love Column,

I just got enrolled in this new school, and on my tour, I saw this girl. She’s crazy popular and also gorgeous- I gotta get with her. Only problem is her dad refuses to let her date, says she’s gonna get pregnant. But, the catch is if her older sister goes on a date, so can she. Her older sister, by the way, is a complete annoyance! She’s super into Thai food, feminist prose and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Should I try and set up her impossible older sister for my own personal gain? Help!

Sincerely,

Never Seen A Rom Com

Dear Never Seen A Rom Com,

You’ve got yourself in a real pickle. This is an almost Shakespearean scenario! Guy wants girl, girl (maybe, probably not) wants guy, but an obstacle stands in the way of their relationship. I say that if you really want to get this girl to like you, learn French for her! That way, when she inevitably needs a tutor, you’ll be her #1 option! Teaching her French won’t only help her grades, but it will help your connection! And don’t worry about her obvious interest in other guys, she will undoubtedly recognize the fact that you learned French for her as a sign of your love. And as for her sister, find a cool outsider that contradicts her, someone who seems unlovable and mysterious until she really gets to know him. It’ll do the trick.

Au revoir!

Eva

Dear Never Seen A Rom Com,

I say love is all about personal gain! Definitely find a man to sweep your crush’s sister off of her feet. Start by befriending your crush and getting her help to better understand what her sister wants in a man. I say look for a man with curly locks, an Australian accent, and a mysterious past. Once you find the man of the sister’s dreams, find out a way for the two to begin their courtship. To execute this, your best bet is getting someone to front the bill, while you do all the planning. If your crush is as gorgeous as you find her to be, then she must have other suitors. Trick your competition into helping you to execute your plan by having him pay the dream man to take out the sister. This way your wallet stays #phat and your crush’s heart can open up to the possibility of falling for you.

Best of Luck!

Libby