Oscar’s Oscar reviews: “almost relevant”

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Clarion photo ©A.M.P.A.S.®

I’d like to first off point out that out of all the films I predicted would win, two were nominated for their predicted category and another two actually won an Oscar in their predicted category.

Therefore, I think one could reasonably conclude that my Oscar predictions were not nearly as “spotty” as the young and foolhardy Teddy Wyman claimed they were. Thank-you-very-much. I may go as far as to say that my predictions were more deserving of the notion: “almost relevant.” But enough of last issue’s nonsense, because here and now I give you my review of the 2015 Academy Awards, or as Oscar likes to call them, “Oscar’s Follow Up to Oscar’s Oscars Predictions: Oscar’s Oscars Review.”

Despite my unconditional loathing for “How I Met Your Mother,” I have long been a fan of Neil Patrick Harris. His hosting of the awards further proves my theory that he is virtually always in a musical, and that the man himself is too cute, too pure for this dark world.

Patrick, being the best thing to ever come from Albuquerque, still wasn’t enough to stand up to the amazing performance by Lady Gaga. Since I never really listened to her music much, I guess I just assumed that she was one of the permanent top 40 pop stars who don’t actually put forth that much creativity or effort into their overly synthesized finished product. In a state of shock after hearing her sing “The Sound of Music” live, I educated myself and found that she writes all of her own songs and supervises in the production of them. Bravo Gaga.

And while I’m on the topic of the musical performances, at one point I was taken off guard by a sudden brain aneurysm induced by everything being awesome. Everything is not awesome. Here are some examples of things that are not awesome: dud fireworks, asbestos, drowning, unemployment, and the Oscars musical featureEverything is Awesome.”

Running at three hours and 38 minutes, almost exactly as long as the third “Lord of the Rings” movie, it definitely seemed to drag on a bit. The thing is, “The Lord of the Rings” didn’t have commercial breaks that made it seem even longer. I suppose it should be noted that I don’t have a TV, so as I watched the Oscars online, I think that a problem with my flash player made the audio of the program play increasingly slower. Not only did that make it seem like it was longer, but it made their voices slightly slower, as if they were talking to me like I’m stupid. That was kinda funny. Luckily, I was snapped awake by a few interesting moments.

In one instance, and almost out of nowhere from the haze of monotony, Patricia Arquette incorporated a powerful demand into her acceptance speech: “To every woman who gave birth, to every taxpayer and citizen in this nation …  it is our time to have wage equality once and for all, and equal rights for women in the United Stated of America.” This statement was met with thunderous applause as well as criticism about her race and financial success in regard to it. Another powerful moment was when tears were brought to the eyes of several audience members after watching the performance “Glory” from Selma.

The Oscars started off great and slowly began to feel like a chore to watch. A chore well worth doing to see the occasional powerful moments, I might add. Oh and by the way, Neil Patrick Harris got naked as a reference to the movie “Birdman.” I didn’t get that at first, but it’s the part of the show that a lot of people are talking about, and some would argue the Oscars were worth watching for that, too. In my opinion, the Oscars were entertaining at times, but forgettable overall.