Conor’s Complaints: The Reunion


As we come towards the home stretch of the school year, and since there are only two more Clarion issues left, I decided to do something special for this edition of Conor’s Complaints. I’m speaking to you live from the Teacher’s Lounge, and proud to invite you into the first annual Conor’s Complaints Reunion. Every single complaint and rare compliment from the first season of my column were able to make it here tonight for this special occasion. I would like to thank the school vending machines for providing us with the food for this banquet: Pop Tarts that don’t taste like real Pop Tarts and off-brand, stale candy. (We originally had catering from the Olive Garden, but the thief who stole my lunch in October stopped by and took all the food before he left.) Also, shoutout to the school water fountains for providing the drinks. I tried not to use the water fountain that tasted like pure rust, but all the new fountains were broken…sorry.

Leonardo DiCaprio: This water tastes like–

Over-censoring Clarion editors: poop! tastes like poop.

Me: Do you mind Clarion editors; we’re trying to have free-flowing conversations here.

Stupid Things My Dad Says: Oh my God! Is that Tom Hanks!?

DiCaprio: Seriously, dude.

‘Lo Boys: Now Leo, I know you’re a great actor, but I think I know why you haven’t won that Oscar yet. Did you ever think about wearing Ralph in your roles? Now hang with me here. Picture Jack from the Titanic: No Oscar, right? Now picture Jack wearing a camo Polo vest: Boom! Best Actor in a Leading Role!

Me: Your charisma never ceases to amaze me ‘Lo Boys.

‘Lo Boys: They’ve done studies, you know. One hundred percent of 17.5 percent of the people at this school love ‘Lo Boys.

Me: That doesn’t make any sense.

Patchy the Pirate: Conor, have you finished “Persepolis” yet?

Sam Brodt (American Sniper of Zoom Wars): Why does that dude from “Spongebob” care about your English homework?

Freshman ‘Lo Boy: No, no. That’s not actually Patchy the Pirate; it’s Mr. Sletmoe. Get it, because of his patchy beard? Haha!

DiCaprio: Kid, you shouldn’t be talking. It looks like you continuously fired paintballs into your wash cycle. I mean you look like a neon colored rainbow. And I know about fashion, I’m Leo.

Over-censoring Clarion editors: Oh, go to heck, Leo! You narcissistic ding-dong! You’re just smug because Conor gave you a compliment.

Me: Hey, hey! Everyone settle down here…And Sam Brodt, that reminds me, thank you for agreeing to be the photographer for this event. I’m sure the zoom shots of everyone will look very ugly…except the ones of Leo.

Mr. Shanahan: Hey, why aren’t the Hall Decs here? Didn’t you complain about them in Issue 2 for being taken down too early? And Conor, I’m taking down the sign above the door that says “Reunion.”

Me: You and the Clarion editors should get married, Shanahan. And the Hall Decs were here. They left after about five minutes. Classic Hall Decs to leave before anyone notices them.

Annoying Moms Who Complained to the District About Lack of Class Time: At least they showed up, unlike Nick Allard’s snow forecast. Can we add four days to the start of each school year to make up for the inaccurate snow days Nick Allard calls? Let’s go call up the superintendent right now because we have nothing better to do.

Nick Allard: Actually I’m predicting a huge snowstorm a week from now. PPS should shut down schools for three days just as a precaution.

Annoying Moms: It’s the middle of April, Nick!

Mr. Shanahan: Are you Nick Allard, or Brick Tamblin from “Anchorman”? And where’d you get a hand grenade?

Nick Allard: I don’t know.

Me: This is why you’re my guy, Nick. And CHS Moms Who Like My Column, you, of course, are the guests of honor at this banquet; thank you for being so cool, again.

Cool Moms: Don’t mention it, Conor, it’s pretty easy to be a cool CHS mom, actually. We just be super nice, read your column, and not try to shorten lunch and assembly time.

Central Catholic: Hey everybody, Look at me! Academics at our school are more rigorous than yours and we’re a private school! So here at Central, we’re better than you, and we know it! Have fun working at Baja Fresh for the rest of your life.

Cool Story Bro: Cool story, bro.

Me: Thank you Cool Story Bro; that was the only proper time you’ve ever said that! And who invited Central Catholic? They sound like White Goodman and the Globo Gym Purple Cobras.

Ref-Who-Called-A-Technical-Foul on the CHS Band: I invited them.

Me: I should’ve known this was your doing Terrible Ref; what have you been up to since you blew us that basketball game?

Terrible Ref: I actually reffed the 6A Second Round Playoff game between Jesuit and Clackamas. (Find the video of how this game ended, and you’ll understand.)

Jake From State Farm: Hey, I just tried to go to the bathroom, and whoever was in there last didn’t flush.

‘Lo Boys: Jake From State Farm! I love you, but I have one problem with your commercial. When that woman asks you what you’re wearing, you should’ve said, “Uhhh…Polo.”

Me: OK, I can tell this was a terrible idea. Thank you everyone for coming. This event was held in commemoration of my Pantech Renue-Black flip phone that I complained about in Issue 5. Nobody really liked you, but we’ll miss you, kind of. Please, no one drive like senior Tarik Ibisevic on your way home.