Dear Love Column,

So there’s this boy. He lives next to me, but our parents don’t like each other because of some stupid argument over the houses. The argument goes back a long time, and the houses have been passed down through the generations of our families. Anyways, once we got to high school, this boy and I had a lot of classes together. Every night when our parents think we’re asleep, we’re actually shining flashlights into each others windows, making silly faces and writing funny notes. I don’t know what to do next. He’s asked me on a date, but I have no way to hide sneaking around. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Lovestruck<3

Dear Lovestruck,

You are in pickle. I understand that you don’t want to disappoint your parents, but you also don’t want to let down your new boy. My advice is pull a Romeo and Juliet by getting married. Then your parents can’t pull you apart, because you would be legally bound to each other. You know what they say, “Family comes and goes, but boyfriends are forever.” Abandon your family and focus on your boy! Move into an apartment with him! If you really love him, paying $2,000 a month for a shabby apartment will be worth it, even if you have free housing with your parents. If you want to move a little slower with your boy, you can always get his parents to move out of the house so your parents don’t have to deal with them. Start by stealing your neighbor’s mail, so they won’t catch their bills and will be evicted. Your boyfriend won’t mind that much, because he’ll be with you! A way to get your boyfriend’s parents to like your parents can start with a good old fashioned rumor. Start a rumor that your dad is having an affair with your boyfriend’s dad. Then, your mom and your boyfriend’s mom will combine forces in the wake of the news. If you’re lucky, the dads will also realize they have real feelings for each other, and will become a couple! Yes, your parents may end up divorcing in the process, but hey, at least your parents won’t hate your boyfriend’s parents anymore; your parents will just hate each other.

Good luck with your boy!

-Quinn

Dear Lovestruck,

In order to minimize conflict between the families and still get your hands on the boy of your dreams, I suggest patching things up between the families, or at least showing that your love runs deeper than the valley in which the hate resides. A good way to do this is with a moist gourd.  Moist Gourds in ancient Rome represented a couples’ burning love for each other. As we all know, ancient Rome is super romantic, therefore making a moist gourd even more perfect! You can pick one up at any Gourd store or Cucurbitaceae dispensary. Your beloved and his family’s eyes will water with more liquid than any gourd could hold. After that you have it in the bag. Your sincere gift will have touched their hearts! Now all you have to do is make sure that you keep this strong bond between the two families. Invite them all to dinner and keep the conversation uncontroversial, easy topics like politics and solutions for global warming! Your families should slowly start to bond over you and your lover and soon you will have the love you always dreamed.

Cheers!

-Jared