Conspiracy Cafe: Who started the fires?


By Eva Bryner and Libby Cross

To the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”

Grover Cleveland, fire drills, Red China, Steven Nims,

SE Portland, Jan Watt, Meg in the SSC,

Tori Tefft, Carlin MacMillan, Subaru, Television,

East Wing, West Wing, Marilyn Monroe,

Trash Cans, Hallways, Boys Bathroom, Schools aflame,



Inspired by The Office


All the buzz around school has been about the fires. The recent policing of the hall pass has increased hostility, and many of you have turned to the Conspiracy Cafe for help. We have listened to your cries, and have found who we believe to be the culprit. The following material may shock you.


During our investigation, we found that whoever set our beloved trashcans on fire did so with a toaster oven. This disproved our initial theory that the choir had prompted the fire, due to their flame beats. This caused a stall in our investigation, as we were at a loss of who could’ve done such a terrible deed. We went to Chili’s, and there we gained some clarity.


The trashcan was LIT! On fire by someone throwing a smoking toaster oven into it. We realized that the best way to find our culprit was to find the oven and look inside. We eventually located the toaster oven, and found that inside was a burnt cheese pita. Not being experts ourselves, we enlisted the help of a volunteer sheriff’s deputy, Mr. Schrute, to determine the true cause of the fire. In his investigation he concluded that the arsonist had “left the toaster oven on oven, instead of timing it for the toaster thing.”


Who could commit such a heinous act? Schrute believes that it would be someone older than the average high school student, possibly an alumnus or a faculty member. The news reported that it was in fact an alumnus that had committed the act, but we have come to the conclusion that the true culprit behind the trashcan fires paid those alumni off, to lie and post that they were behind it.


We suspect the office temp, Ryan Howard. He is the only person we know who consistently eats cheese pita, and the other office workers have seen him struggle with the toaster oven before. He goes to business school currently and hasn’t learned how to properly work a toaster oven.

To us, this is the only reasonable conclusion. Ryan started the fire!

DISCLAIMER: None of this is based on actual fact.