Love Column: Bachelor Beleaguerment


Love Column Experts Quinn Gonzales and Jared Watson

By Quinn Gonzales and Jared Watson

Dear Love Column,


SOS! I think I’m in love with a celebrity! I’ve been watching “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” for years now, and as soon as I laid eyes on Ben Higgins during Kaitlyn’s season, I knew he was special. Ever since that season, I can’t stop thinking about him. Help, I don’t know what to do!


Bachelor Buff


Dear Bachelor Buff,


Let me start by reassuring you that many people go through the same situation you are experiencing. Adults and peers will tell you you’re crazy, and that you are being unrealistic. I agree with them, you need to get over it. And by getting over it, I mean getting over your negative attitude, and finding a solution. Love is love, and if you want Ben Higgins to be your boyfriend, he will be. First, you need for him to notice you. Now, him being a celebrity adds an extra obstacle. You can’t just bump into him in the hall to say hello, you’ll have to send your love the old fashion way: by mail. Get the address of The Bachelor set, and start mailing letters by the hundreds. Another thing that Ben likes is people with creativity. So, you should make him a piece of art! Something with heart, like a drawing with your blood, a sculpture made out of your hair, or a watercolor painting made of spit. Literally put yourself into your work. He’ll love it, and will always have a piece of you with him. Once you have his attention, (you’ll know when the police start getting involved) you need to see him in person. I’m talking about dropping school, and getting on a one-way flight to Denver, Colorado, Ben’s hometown. You’ll need to ask the locals to find out where he’s camped out; if people get suspicious, tell him you’re his manager, sister’s long lost child, really anything to find out where he lives. Once you get his address, you will finally experience the moment you two will retell to your grandchildren: the first time you met. As you walk into his house, he’ll put down his book, and abruptly stand up, asking who you are; you will give him reassurance, saying, “It’s me.” He’ll gaze into your eyes with caution, before raising his eyebrows with the look of surprise and curiosity, practically whispering in wonder “[Bachelor Buff], is that you?” You’ll smile widely, while wiping a tear from your face, choking back a sob as you say quietly, “Yes.” And, as they say, the rest will be history. Good luck with Ben, he’s a keeper!



Dear Bachelor Buff,


Don’t go for it! First of all, it would take a life of dedication, like Quinn illustrated. But mostly, he’s not even that attractive. You can probably stare into the mirror and see a better looking person staring back. If this is true, you should do two things. First off, call me. Second, you can find the man of your dreams without flying to Arizona. A recent dating site,, has become all the rage among local Portlanders. A site exclusively for fans of the progressive Presidential candidate, it is uniting happy couples across the U.S. and might just help you find your dream man, unless, of course, your dream man is Bernie Sanders himself. With more than 7,000 members, you can bet your boots one of those lucky lovers would make you far happier than Ben Higgins. I know it seems impossible that anyone could make you happier than Ben, and you may ask yourself, how can there be a human being that matches up to the godliness of this hunk of Higgins? To answer your question, both Quinn and I are on Bernie Singles, so that right there proves there are deserving people on this website. Good luck, and remember option number one.

-Jared Watson