Love Column: Summer Smoulder


Love Column Experts Quinn Gonzales and Jared Watson

By Quinn Gonzales and Jared Watson

Dear Love Column,

June is right around the corner and I’m looking for a summer fling. You know, meeting a cute guy on the beach and spending countless hours basking in the summer sun together. How do I snag a guy before school starts up again?


Seeking a Summer Smoulder


Dear Seeking a Summer Smoulder,

Ah, to have a summer fling, it’s what every romantic teen wants. There are many methods to grab the perfect warm weather hottie, but I always refer back to the classic approaches–the ones that gained popularity due their portrayals in movies.

First, I would start with the timeless approach from “Dirty Dancing”; convince your parents to take you to a resort during the summer, and pursue the dance teacher. Before you leave, remember to practice your stellar dance moves, like The Dab, Whip, and the Hit The Quan. No one will be able to resist your seductive moves.

The second method is inspired by everyone’s favorite pairing: Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. In this method, you will be playing the part of the pairing portrayed by Ryan Gosling in “The Notebook.” Travel to a small town outside Portland and attend a carnival. When you see the person you want to pursue, wait for them to get onto the ferris wheel. Then, jump through the gates and hang onto the bar that holds up the car that your bae is in. Once you are hundreds of feet in the air and they ask you to safely enter the car, refuse until they go on a date with you. This will guarantee you a night out with your new beau, and the start of a new summer romance.

My third technique comes from the popular movie titled “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.” Surprisingly, the first step is fairly simple–all you have to do is move to France. Then, find a spot on a boat dock near your house to scout out the perfect guy: specifically the guys whose family hates yours. It’ll add drama to your relationship. When you have found your pick, walk over to the edge of the dock, and “fall” in. When your match sees you, he will immediately come to your rescue. Your grandparents will be outraged that you have come in contact with this man, and will ban you from the house. See, I told you drama would be right around the corner. Your love for your beau will trump any negative feelings your two families have for each other, and soon enough, your relationship will thrive with the blessing of your family. Use any of these three methods, and I guarantee you’ll be seeing fireworks by the Fourth of July!




Dear Seeking a Summer Smoulder,

A summer fling can be a big factor in the summer of your dreams.  As “Grease” shows, it’s a magical time where people can put aside their differences, and hide who they really are in favor of a tanned, swimsuit version. This can leave much to be desired, because as everyone knows, it takes a special someone to fill the shoes of Olivia Newton-John. First, you need to make sure you meet casually. Putting a sign on your forehead, saying “I need a FLING!!!” will only get you weird looks and attention that isn’t as desirable as the bae of your dreams. What you have to do is look disinterested, and muscular. That way, people will look at you for your muscles, and then come to the realization, “That large, muscled person looks disinterested.” This may detract from certain aspects of your personality, but will pay off in the long run. The next step is to journey to the beach, and wait for the babe of your summer dreamin’  to come up to you. Your conversation will go something like this.

They inquire, “Large, muscled person, why do you seem impartial to life?” This is just what you want. You respond, “I guess I’m just lonely, looking for someone to warm this heart, deep inside my muscled chest.” *start flexing your pecs repeatedly for added effect.* Your bae will exclaim something along the lines of this: “That’s so sad! Can you deadlift the whole beach?” And the rest, they say, is history. Just don’t sprain your back!