Conspiracy Cafe: Clinton Conspiracies


By Eva Bryner and Libby Cross

Hillary Clinton and Hillary Clinton? Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump? Which is it? Does Hillary secretly have a body double? Does she secretly have a friend in Donald Trump? This column will attempt to dissect a new conspiracy theory each month , but beware, you might not be prepared for what you are about to learn …

News broke that Hillary Clinton may have had a body double attend the 9/11 Memorial Ceremony on Sept. 18. After the event, ABC Eyewitness Breaking News Anchor Joe Torre reported that Hillary Clinton had died. He later recanted his statements, but the reason why he did so is unknown. There is definitely a strong possibility that Hillary’s team paid him off, but theories are still formulating.

During the 9/11 Memorial, all of the media in attendance were told to stop recording after Hillary suffered a “medical episode.” “Hillary” then retreated to her daughter’s house. She appeared a few hours later, looking around 30 pounds lighter, and with no security detail. A presidential nominee suffering from pneumonia with no security, who then goes up to a little girl on the street, is unexplainable. PREPOSTEROUS! Also, she was seen carrying her bag over her right shoulder, which is odd because she usually carries it on her left shoulder, something only a body double can explain. All very important things to take into consideration, all possible proof to an elaborate plan to cover up Hillary’s decline in health, or her death. Even these knowledgeable Trump supporters know the truth. One man in a recent Comedy Central video opened our eyes, “It could be AIDS…The way her husband used to be…Prolly [got AIDS] from messin’ around with that Magic Johnson.”

If Hillary is indeed capable of using a body double, could she have also planned the election alongside Donald Trump, so he would run just to make Hillary win? The justifications are rather simple: Trump has ties to the Clinton Foundation long before this election season, and is the only one from the long, long list of Republican candidates that had donated to the Clintons. His political appearances have consistently made no sense for a Republican candidate, showing up in Scotland and New York, instead of swing states that would help him win. On top of this, Trump has never given the press a clear answer on if he actually wanted to be president. Instead, he says insane things every day, and in return gains media coverage, status, and, of course, money. So, what does he have to lose if he never intended on winning to begin with? In the words of his ex-communications manager, Stephanie Cegielski, “He doesn’t want the White House. He just wants to be able to say that he could have run the White House.”

Believe what you want to, whether it be AIDS, Parkinson’s, or “female hormones,” Hillary Clinton is up to shady business … possibly with Donald Trump. Check in next issue for more shocking truths (If you haven’t gotten this already, please google satire and read again next time).